If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
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I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.