Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
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LMAO
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Is fructose made with real fruct?
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?