*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
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Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
did it work
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Meeeee too!
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
This is no longer winter this is harassment
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?