Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
You Might Also Like
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Passwords are more important than ever.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly