First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
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Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Brb my Sims are getting married
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie