If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
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Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.