this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
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Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe