My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
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Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult