I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
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*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Note to self: always read the final line
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!