Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
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[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
True
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick