Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
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If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.