wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
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interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
What
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.