You Might Also Like
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.