Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
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Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Incredible customer service.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
U talkin 2 me?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds