Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
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First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”