Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
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If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
why no one uses midhusbands
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
It be like that sometimes 😆
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years