ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
You Might Also Like
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Check out the legs on this baby
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU