There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
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If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.