I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
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Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Happy Star Wars day!
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give