*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
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Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.