”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
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jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER