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I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.