Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
You Might Also Like
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
X-tra spooky blend
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?