Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
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i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.