Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
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I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀