I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
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titanic
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.