Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
You Might Also Like
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
That’s no pocket rocket.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.