Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
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using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.