I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
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I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”