New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
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dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie