LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
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I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh