Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
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January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.