When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
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[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Life is a suicide mission.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.