My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
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Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
🔦🌙👣
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think