I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
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[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Ovenable?
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.