“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
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due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Do not levitate over flowers
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??