Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
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What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume