Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
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This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
the greatest twitter interaction
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I didn’t come here to be called names
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.