According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
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[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Who does Amazon think I am?
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.