Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
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Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
When your man makes a valid point
Bros before Ohioes
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are