*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
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This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?