wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
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We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.