I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
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Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen