Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
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I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live