Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
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Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March