[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
You Might Also Like
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
good for her
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British