I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
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I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Feels like the fourth month in January
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
i can’t wait that long
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.