My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
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worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Denise please return my vape pen
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts