I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
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All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.