Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
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As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Good advice.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned